They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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