There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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