My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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