I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You're like the curious george of whores
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
