Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
