Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
