you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
