why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
