A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
