My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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