I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize