that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
