my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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