3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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