i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
