i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
