Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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