I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
