He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
