I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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