that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
