The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
