Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
