My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
