there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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