im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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