Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
