32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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