hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
