She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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