Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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