dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize