Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
