Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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