That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
