i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Found your dick twin last night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
