I can't watch pbs sober anymore
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
