today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize