Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
