My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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