$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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