god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
