Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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