Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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