Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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