I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
from now on my penis is your penis
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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