this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
