Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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