i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
