I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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