You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
