Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize