hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
