For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
