Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
