"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize